Sometimes I consider the possibility that my life is the stuff of Hollywood dramadies, but then I realize that I am, in fact, mostly delusional. I keep waiting for these unfortunate and somewhat ridiculous situations to turn into a real-life romantic comedy, but recently I have come to find that not only am I single, broke, stressed out, overworked, and confused about everything going on, but also I seem to just not understand the men in my life. Any of them really.
I mean, I get it, you have a penis. Big deal. (The clitoris has three times the amount of nerve endings than the entire penis has all together so put in your blunt and smoke it). I understand that guys have this sexual urge that needs to be fulfilled, but so do women! Sure, physiologically the estrogen/testosterone ratios are different in men and women causing some different desires/reactions than the opposite sex. However, it seems to me that it is mostly the societal roles that men feel that they have to uphold that are really the root of the problem here.
This isn't really where I meant for this post to go, so let me just sum this up right now while its on my mind: It is not fair that men are "allowed" or even expected and praised for being sexual, and women are deemed sluts or "loose". The fact that society portrays men as terrified of marriage, or any romantic commitment while women are shown as desperate for marriage and babies by the dozen is grossly unfair to both parties.
OK that rant is over...I'm not trying to get all "I am woman hear me roar!", trust me. I'm just saddened by the fact that if I were to want a relationship or children I would be viewed as the desperate woman trying to catch a man. The old ball and chain. Whatever happened to partnerships? Do those exist anymore? Just a real man and a real women, with sexual desires, with romance, with common goals and dreams? Who knows...
So I found myself driving my Honda Accord through the streets of San Francisco this morning just before dawn and I realized what a beautiful time of day that is, and how beautiful the city was. I love that time of day when nobody is awake and it is so quiet. It's not cold, because the fog is insulating, but the air is wet and gray. It smells like rain but it isn't raining. You can see everything, but it isn't quite light out; the sun hasn't risen. I think that this must be my favorite time of day. This time, right before the breaking of dawn. I also love dusk, right as the sun dips down past the mountains and there is an hour or so before darkness, but something about the time right before dawn is really magical.
Despite everything that I have been dealing with, at this time, I felt truly calm. The seagulls flying by the bay in lazy circles were the perfect accompaniment to the perfect song that had come on my car radio at the perfect time. I sung along with the Pixies... "Where is my mind?"