The thing about working nights is that you are either always tired or never tired. Lately, it's been both. A sick little combination of being exhausted and having insomnia. If you've been there, you know what I'm talking about.
There's been a lot going on. Starting grad school full time in the fall is going to be difficult, I know, but it will also be a nice experience again to be expected to learn, rather than be expected to have all the answers all the time (and I wish that I did, but I never do).
The class I took this summer couldn't have started at a worse time, only weeks after the demise of a relationship that I thought would result in a marriage. It sounds even stupider when I write it out like this, even more naive, but that's where I thought it was going...that's where I was told it was going. I guess I was blinded by our beautiful apartment (the one that was never really ours anyway), the good times, and the promises that I always believed. I don't talk about it much anymore because there is just nothing more to say, but I finally feel like I can write something about it. We were both to blame, in different ways, and I should have seen it coming. I lost myself somewhere along the way...and now I'm just starting to come back. It kind of brings me back to a post that I wrote a few months ago about whether or not two people could really be together forever, if they could really love each other for the rest of their lives. Really be there. In the post I was undecided, and I guess that is still where I stand.
So, when it came time to do this class, I was at the point where I could hardly even motivate myself to get out of the house. But being here was torture. I forced myself to go. I threw on my old jeans and a tank top and showed up looking entirely unprofessional. But I went. I went to work, too. I felt like my world was ending, but I forced myself to focus. I ignored everything else, and immersed myself in my studies and my patients. I felt so weak. I felt so alone. When I started feeling really terrible again, I would leave with my text books and just read them at Starbucks for hours. Memorizing the most minuscule of details, I was not only able to distract myself from the pain, but I also aced my class. I found out today that I'm starting my program in the fall with an A in my prerequisite class. A class that some students even ended up failing.
Today I no longer feel weak, I feel strong. Ive been strong the entire time, I just couldn't see it. I felt like i lost myself, but Ive actually been gaining more than i ever knew. Ive had fun lately. Ive actually enjoyed myself. Ive realized that the relationship that I thought was perfect, wasn't so perfect after all. Not for a long time. Its a long story, but I feel like in the past few months I have grown exponentially. Today, I feel like I can do things that I never thought I could do six months ago.
As for my ability to love; its not gone. It never will be. I cant help it, and that's probably a good thing in the long run. For now, I plan to not plan. I will get through this program, I will do things that I want to do. There will be sacrifices, sure. Like possibly (probably) moving back in with my parents temporarily while I'm in school (that will be the beginning of some VERY interesting posts, I'm sure). Its better than working full time nights and trying to go to school. That's just not doable for me. With clinicals and lectures, I would be busy 7 days a week...not to mention studying. And forget about a social life...and sleep....I cant afford my beautiful apartment, but I know that if I work hard enough that someday I will have a beautiful place again...and maybe I'll even own it instead of renting!
So, maybe I'm not exactly where I thought I would be at this point in my life, and I'm taking a couple of hard hits this year, but I'm feeling better about it than I was. I am not as alone as i thought. its difficult to not have someone to sleep next to every night, and its hard to know that there isn't that connection that there used to be. I look at my married friends, and I still feel envious of that bond...its so strong. But, at the same time, I am beginning to feel empowered as a single woman, and I know that if I ever do get married, that is how I should feel; empowered and part of a partnership. An equal. I haven't felt this way in a long time.
Things are going to be different...