Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Regression

Since I've moved back in with my parents, I totally feel like a teenager again. Its kinda crazy. I'm really not sure if it's a coincidence of if I'm actually regressing back to my ridiculous teenage self. I happen to be coming down with a cold, but that aside, I spent the entire day in my pajamas, eating tacos and doing homework. I ate Cinnamon Toast Crunch for breakfast (yes.) and last night for a snack. All I want to do is go out and drink and take drugs and be irresponsible. Also, I have these crazy giddy school-girl crush feelings for my boyfriend (even when I think of him as my boyfriend I get all butterfly-y).

Maybe I should throw a toga party. Teenagers do that right? Whatever.

Let's see...there are a few things that I missed out on as an awkward and emo teen that I would like to make happen. A keg stand. I'd like to do a keg stand. A beer bong. That would be cool. I have this sinking feeling that I just can't chug beer that fast, but I guess that is to be determined. Also, drinking games are really appealing to me right now. This all seems to be alcohol-related. Hmmm...

Oh my god, I just Googled "Things to do as a teenager" for the hell of it and got the stupidest shit ever. "Dance like nobody is watching!". How romantic. Fucking shoot me in the head. No, that's not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for "Take shrooms and wander around at the state park" or "See how many times you can masturbate in 24 hours" or "Get unbelievably high and listen to Dark Side of the Moon synced up with the Wizard of OZ". Because teenagers totally do that. Am I getting old? That seemed like an old person thing to say.

Ok, I just came across something that looks promising, but sadly, is also legal. It's called the "Banana and Sprite Challenge". Apparently, it is physically impossible to eat two bananas and drink two sprites without puking. I'm pretty sure that there is not any real science between this, and that it's purely psychosomatic...but there I am being a grown up again!

Well, back to homework, but believe you me, there will be shenanigans this winter break.

Monday, November 29, 2010

I Am Serious, and Don't Call Me Shirley

It's done. I'm moved into my parent's house. Now the fun part will be trying to cram all of my belongings into this very small bedroom. Also, I died a little during this process.

I feel pretty good today, I guess, thanks to a very handsome gentleman who hasn't figured out that I am totally insane yet. Aka: my boyfriend (tee hee). Well, maybe he does know that I'm insane and that's why he likes me...right? RIGHT? Boys love me.

I'm actually totally exhausted, so I'll write more later...like after a nap and homework. I've registered for next semester-I just can't get enough!

I know all of you will be sitting in suspense waiting to hear about my ridiculous life. Calm yourselves, I will return.

Monday, November 8, 2010

I Ate Grad School

Or, rather, I wish I could eat grad school. This would accomplish many things...namely a)grad school would be gone and b) maybe my ridiculous hunger would be satisfied.

I literally don't know what's wrong with me, but I have just had INSATIABLE hunger allllll day long. Like, no joke. The amount of food I've consumed today is not only embarrassing, but probably also unhealthy. I blame hormones.

In addition to being a fat lazy slob for most of the day, my motivation, as always, is hanging by a thread. I need to go get hypnotized into just doing work and not caring...kind of like Office Space but backwards. Can't wait til winter break...maybe this time I'll finally get my shit together...

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Long and Hard...My upcoming week that is, not my penis

Unfortunately.

But, yeah, there you have it folks. The upcoming week is going to be long and hard. Not to mention that the time-traveling mind-fuck that is called "moving back to standard time" has added substantially to my descent into madness. The fact that it started to get dark today at 5pm just made me a)tired and b)angry. Maybe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder or whatever (the fact that it can be called SAD cheers me up slightly), but I'm just not a fan of the long dark winter nights...unless there is holiday festivities/family and friends/delicious food/chestnuts roasting on a mothafucking open fire. Maybe it's just extra-depressing spending time alone...in the dark.
Don't get me wrong, I like winter...mostly because of the aforementioned awesome festivities, but I do prefer the long, sunny, carefree days of summer.
Well I think this would be an appropriate place to just freak out and complain about how I have to get up early everyday, study all day, see patients at clinicals for 10 hours, then work afterwards...oh yeah, and pack up all my shit so that I can move BACK INTO MY PARENT'S HOUSEEEEE!!!!! AAAAGGGHGHGHGHHHHHHHH FUCK!


the end.....or is it?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

After Slacking Off...

For, like, ever...I'm back (at least for tonight).
Dark times loom over us, my friends, dark times. Objectively, it would seems great. The Giants are the World Series Champions, which is AWESOME! It's been one party after the other basically since Halloween. I should be happy. I should be doing a lot of things...but I'm not.

Today is a complaining kind of day. And I'm not going to hold it in.

I am thankful for a lot of things, I really am. I don't want to take for granted what I have, because I know that it can get worse. I am so thankful for my family, and my wonderful friends, and our health. Because without that, we have a big problem.

That being said, let the complaining begin.

Here it is; I had a disappointment today. A deep, hurtful, stabbing disappointment. The kind of disappointment that, alone, is not something that will stop someone from living their life, or being happy. However, for me, today, this disappointment is kind of the the straw that broke the camel's back. And I know it's going to hurt for awhile.

It hurts because of the other stuff. The living alone for so many years, the running out of money, the having to move back in with my parents thing, the grad school...oh god the grad school. So, the disappointment leaves me here in my apartment, alone, unable to study, unable to pack up my belongings, unable to try to sell my furniture...unable to do anything except sit and think and give myself a headache. I can't even cry. Not really at least.

I can't sleep. When I do sleep, it's a terrible, restless, thrashing, twilight-sleep. My terrifying dreams seem real and bizarre, I am too hot or too cold, the covers strangle me. Racing thoughts wake me up if I start to relax. If I do get sleep lately, it's because I've taken something to help me sleep. Then in the morning I'm groggy and disoriented.

My eating habits haven't been too good either. I'll be anxious and nervous and will forget to eat for a day or two, then I will be starving and eat totally gross food for the next few days.

I don't want to pack up my shit and move it. When I think about it, it literally makes me nauseous. Motivation is SO hard to find...Its hard enough to do the bare minimum for school-which, ironically, takes up almost all of my time.

The worst part, really, is just being here alone with my thoughts. I know that I have my friends and my family, but really, you can only complain about problems to them so much. I don't want to drive away the people that I do have with my downer attitude. I talk to people, sure, but I try not to do it all the time. I love my family and my friends. If they stop talking to me...everything would be so much worse...

Adjusting to being single is weird. Don't get me wrong, I really don't even want to get into a serious relationship with anyone right now. I have a lot of work to do on myself first. The thing is though, dating is awkward. Also, just having someone around is comforting. When I don't have that...it's disorienting. It's lonely. I want to fall in love again, but want someone who will fall in love with me too.

I'm worried that love won't happen for me. I know that it exists, I'm just worried that it doesn't exist for me. I know how the male mind works. Here it is: "Sex". The end. I know that men are capable of love, and I thought I could find someone to love me, but now I'm not so sure. When guys see me, they think either "What a rad girl, let's be friends" or "I want to have sex with her" or some combination of the two. But I don't think anyone is thinking "wow, I could love this person".

Someday things will be ok. Heck, they could even be great! I'm sure of it...I have hope. I always have a secret optimism in the deepest darkest parts of my heart. My passion lives on...but it's quieted right now. Right now, things are bad. Things are dark and ugly. There's a constant bad taste in my mouth. Right now...this is hard, I am worried, and anxious, and disappointed, and depressed, and lonely. This is really hard.

I miss the way things used to be, and I long for the things that could be. I'm stuck here in the middle, and I don't like it one bit. Not at all.