Wednesday, November 3, 2010

After Slacking Off...

For, like, ever...I'm back (at least for tonight).
Dark times loom over us, my friends, dark times. Objectively, it would seems great. The Giants are the World Series Champions, which is AWESOME! It's been one party after the other basically since Halloween. I should be happy. I should be doing a lot of things...but I'm not.

Today is a complaining kind of day. And I'm not going to hold it in.

I am thankful for a lot of things, I really am. I don't want to take for granted what I have, because I know that it can get worse. I am so thankful for my family, and my wonderful friends, and our health. Because without that, we have a big problem.

That being said, let the complaining begin.

Here it is; I had a disappointment today. A deep, hurtful, stabbing disappointment. The kind of disappointment that, alone, is not something that will stop someone from living their life, or being happy. However, for me, today, this disappointment is kind of the the straw that broke the camel's back. And I know it's going to hurt for awhile.

It hurts because of the other stuff. The living alone for so many years, the running out of money, the having to move back in with my parents thing, the grad school...oh god the grad school. So, the disappointment leaves me here in my apartment, alone, unable to study, unable to pack up my belongings, unable to try to sell my furniture...unable to do anything except sit and think and give myself a headache. I can't even cry. Not really at least.

I can't sleep. When I do sleep, it's a terrible, restless, thrashing, twilight-sleep. My terrifying dreams seem real and bizarre, I am too hot or too cold, the covers strangle me. Racing thoughts wake me up if I start to relax. If I do get sleep lately, it's because I've taken something to help me sleep. Then in the morning I'm groggy and disoriented.

My eating habits haven't been too good either. I'll be anxious and nervous and will forget to eat for a day or two, then I will be starving and eat totally gross food for the next few days.

I don't want to pack up my shit and move it. When I think about it, it literally makes me nauseous. Motivation is SO hard to find...Its hard enough to do the bare minimum for school-which, ironically, takes up almost all of my time.

The worst part, really, is just being here alone with my thoughts. I know that I have my friends and my family, but really, you can only complain about problems to them so much. I don't want to drive away the people that I do have with my downer attitude. I talk to people, sure, but I try not to do it all the time. I love my family and my friends. If they stop talking to me...everything would be so much worse...

Adjusting to being single is weird. Don't get me wrong, I really don't even want to get into a serious relationship with anyone right now. I have a lot of work to do on myself first. The thing is though, dating is awkward. Also, just having someone around is comforting. When I don't have's disorienting. It's lonely. I want to fall in love again, but want someone who will fall in love with me too.

I'm worried that love won't happen for me. I know that it exists, I'm just worried that it doesn't exist for me. I know how the male mind works. Here it is: "Sex". The end. I know that men are capable of love, and I thought I could find someone to love me, but now I'm not so sure. When guys see me, they think either "What a rad girl, let's be friends" or "I want to have sex with her" or some combination of the two. But I don't think anyone is thinking "wow, I could love this person".

Someday things will be ok. Heck, they could even be great! I'm sure of it...I have hope. I always have a secret optimism in the deepest darkest parts of my heart. My passion lives on...but it's quieted right now. Right now, things are bad. Things are dark and ugly. There's a constant bad taste in my mouth. Right now...this is hard, I am worried, and anxious, and disappointed, and depressed, and lonely. This is really hard.

I miss the way things used to be, and I long for the things that could be. I'm stuck here in the middle, and I don't like it one bit. Not at all.

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