Well, I've spent all weekend acting like a teenage boy as per normal since I have been single. Here's the the rub though: 12 hours from now, I have to suit up in my business-casual with my pressed white lab coat and name tag, wearing makeup, hair neat and shiny, and pretend to be a professional person. Technically, I AM a professional, but I feel like a total fraud. I mean, come on.
So, panic attacks about finances, school info, crazy patients, lack of social life, and just plain not knowing anything all over again, are sure to ensue again. Actually they've already started. I hate feeling like I don't know anything. I am completely terrified to do this. And this time I feel like I'm going it alone.
Also, I'm not going to be living with my parents. I just can't do it, for a number of reasons that I can't even discuss right now. I man, I love them to death but I just can't live there. So, this means that money is going to be tight. Really tight. REALLY TIGHT. So, I gotta find a new place to live ASAP. A cheap place.
Also, I figure that maybe once I finally lose my mind, maybe I'll feel better. Like, I just wont care anymore. Maybe once I finally crack, it will be almost like a state of enlightenment. I'll just sit there with a goofy grin on my face and go through the motions and I won't feel a thing.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
It Only Hurts When I Laugh
So I've been skimping on the blog, for sure. But that's not all, ladies and gentlemen. I've been the epitome of lazy and hedonistic lately. A little heavy-handed with the liquor here and there, staying up all night then sleeping all day, having lusty thoughts all day about a certain handsome man, eating all sorts of delicious takeout... the list goes on.
But the hard truth, my friends, is that next week I need to be responsible again. Pretty much cold turkey. And not only that, but project getting-out-of-my-own-head hasn't been going as well as I planned (we all know what happens to "plans" in my life). So...instead I'm doing something new.
These days (especially next week when I'm forced into being responsible) I plan on doing the things that make me truly happy (in addition to school and work, which, well I made my bed and now I have to lie in it). I'm finished trying to control anything other than what I know that I can control. It's no longer settling or conformity for me, I've learned that it will actually serve me better in life.
So, the things that make me truly happy are really simple. They are:
Be around people that make me feel good (friends and family)
Having some alone time occasionally where I am not doing anything stressful
Cooking often and eating mostly healthy fresh food
Working out daily or close to daily...i.e. running/swimming/yoga
Listening to/playing more music
So, I'm sure that these are just totally obvious things, but it's back to basics, people. The things I'm going to have trouble with are balancing all this with the stress of work and school. Especially the working out. Eating healthy and cooking gets kind of hard when I'm so busy, but it's going to be even harder to drag my lazy ass out of bed. I lack motivation these days.
But honestly, the working out part is maybe the most important. Health-wise, I know the benefits. I know the benefits for my mental health and my racing thoughts and anxiety-especially in grad school. I know how good I feel after I work out. I feel happy, I feel like my problems are not unsolvable. When I run, everything else seems to slow down. I can outrun anything if I keep going long enough. When I swim, I can't hear anybody speaking. I can hardly hear my thoughts. Just the music in my head and the rhythmic sounds of my stroke and breath. When I am doing yoga, I feel strong. I feel powerful and feminine. I can lift myself, and I can breathe through any pain that may be inflicted upon my body. Everything is only temporary.
This is why it's so important for me to begin doing these things regularly again.
That and of course the fact that next year is the 100th anniversary of Bay to Breakers and I will be GOD DAMNED if I'm not running that entire race in costume and then partying it up afterward. Anyone up to join me in the centipede category?
But the hard truth, my friends, is that next week I need to be responsible again. Pretty much cold turkey. And not only that, but project getting-out-of-my-own-head hasn't been going as well as I planned (we all know what happens to "plans" in my life). So...instead I'm doing something new.
These days (especially next week when I'm forced into being responsible) I plan on doing the things that make me truly happy (in addition to school and work, which, well I made my bed and now I have to lie in it). I'm finished trying to control anything other than what I know that I can control. It's no longer settling or conformity for me, I've learned that it will actually serve me better in life.
So, the things that make me truly happy are really simple. They are:
Be around people that make me feel good (friends and family)
Having some alone time occasionally where I am not doing anything stressful
Cooking often and eating mostly healthy fresh food
Working out daily or close to daily...i.e. running/swimming/yoga
Listening to/playing more music
So, I'm sure that these are just totally obvious things, but it's back to basics, people. The things I'm going to have trouble with are balancing all this with the stress of work and school. Especially the working out. Eating healthy and cooking gets kind of hard when I'm so busy, but it's going to be even harder to drag my lazy ass out of bed. I lack motivation these days.
But honestly, the working out part is maybe the most important. Health-wise, I know the benefits. I know the benefits for my mental health and my racing thoughts and anxiety-especially in grad school. I know how good I feel after I work out. I feel happy, I feel like my problems are not unsolvable. When I run, everything else seems to slow down. I can outrun anything if I keep going long enough. When I swim, I can't hear anybody speaking. I can hardly hear my thoughts. Just the music in my head and the rhythmic sounds of my stroke and breath. When I am doing yoga, I feel strong. I feel powerful and feminine. I can lift myself, and I can breathe through any pain that may be inflicted upon my body. Everything is only temporary.
This is why it's so important for me to begin doing these things regularly again.
That and of course the fact that next year is the 100th anniversary of Bay to Breakers and I will be GOD DAMNED if I'm not running that entire race in costume and then partying it up afterward. Anyone up to join me in the centipede category?
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Reality Prevails...Until 20 Minutes From Now When I Will Be Pouring Myself a Martini
That's right invisible blog followers; I am officially back from vacation. It still makes me giggle to myself and feel a little like a fraud when I admit to having a blog, but I do that anyway...so no biggie I guess.
So, the trip was good. Relaxing for the most part. Except the "hike" I went on. Apparently the term hike encompasses full on rock climbs now...because that's kind of what this was. 8 miles. Since this is my blog (heh.) and I'm in charge (HA!) I will say that I mastered the climb in full makeup and shook my hair out when I reached the top all sexy slow-motion style, a bead of sweat glistening on my perfectly exposed cleavage as I left everyone else in the dust below me.
Clearly, this is not what happened.
Here's what it was really like: I kicked myself all the way to the top for not working out regularly, wheezing and panting like a motherfucking morbidly obese rhinocerous kicking up more dust than anybody. It was a borderline dangerous thing that I didn't bring water, even though the superhero men in my family finished the hike without complaint of any kind (my mom opted out, which is definately for the best, although it would have made me feel MUCH better about myself). I did finally reach the destination, which was some pools of water and waterfalls which are actually incredibly slippery and dangerous, but magnificently beautiful and fun to swim in. That's another thing...I didn't think I would be swimming in them, because unfortunately I didn't dress accordingly, but when I was wading in the water trying to cool off from the hell hike, I slipped on the dangerously slippery rocks and fell all the way in cartoon-syle (with much eggagerated waving of the arms and trying to regain my balance for like 5 seconds before actually going down). A couple other hikers had a pretty good laugh, and I didn't really get hurt, just a couple bruises.
By the time I got back to the lake, and I DID get back dammit, I was pretty much hallucinating from dehydration...not fun or recommended. After downing about a gallon of iced tea and water, the endorphins kicked in. It took me a few hours to recover, and I was loopy and sore, and I was covered in mosquito bites, and sunburnt...and I had a reaction to some sunscreen that left me with a mild rash...but despite all this, I have decided to do the "hike" again next year.
Now, you all must be thinking how stupid and masochistic that is, but hear me out. This year I will try to get in a little better shape (not making too many promises..), and I am going to invest in a camel back so that I may have the luxury of cold, delicious water while I am climbing. Now that I know what to expect, I can plan...so I probably won't get the shit beat out of me as much (maybe).
I am going to go ahead and pour that martini now...I have been recently reintroducing my good friends coffee and alcohol back into my life. This past week off of work has been fan-FUCKING-tastic. So fantastic in fact that I am currently toying with the notion of jetting off to Vegas tomorrow since I don't have anything else scheduled until next week. Sort of depends on if I can convince a certain AWESOME PERSON to join me. We'll see how that goes. I may not be the coolest person in the world, and I may not have had the best luck lately...but things are turning around! This is the beginning of a new and improved more awesome me...at least until late August.
So, the trip was good. Relaxing for the most part. Except the "hike" I went on. Apparently the term hike encompasses full on rock climbs now...because that's kind of what this was. 8 miles. Since this is my blog (heh.) and I'm in charge (HA!) I will say that I mastered the climb in full makeup and shook my hair out when I reached the top all sexy slow-motion style, a bead of sweat glistening on my perfectly exposed cleavage as I left everyone else in the dust below me.
Clearly, this is not what happened.
Here's what it was really like: I kicked myself all the way to the top for not working out regularly, wheezing and panting like a motherfucking morbidly obese rhinocerous kicking up more dust than anybody. It was a borderline dangerous thing that I didn't bring water, even though the superhero men in my family finished the hike without complaint of any kind (my mom opted out, which is definately for the best, although it would have made me feel MUCH better about myself). I did finally reach the destination, which was some pools of water and waterfalls which are actually incredibly slippery and dangerous, but magnificently beautiful and fun to swim in. That's another thing...I didn't think I would be swimming in them, because unfortunately I didn't dress accordingly, but when I was wading in the water trying to cool off from the hell hike, I slipped on the dangerously slippery rocks and fell all the way in cartoon-syle (with much eggagerated waving of the arms and trying to regain my balance for like 5 seconds before actually going down). A couple other hikers had a pretty good laugh, and I didn't really get hurt, just a couple bruises.
By the time I got back to the lake, and I DID get back dammit, I was pretty much hallucinating from dehydration...not fun or recommended. After downing about a gallon of iced tea and water, the endorphins kicked in. It took me a few hours to recover, and I was loopy and sore, and I was covered in mosquito bites, and sunburnt...and I had a reaction to some sunscreen that left me with a mild rash...but despite all this, I have decided to do the "hike" again next year.
Now, you all must be thinking how stupid and masochistic that is, but hear me out. This year I will try to get in a little better shape (not making too many promises..), and I am going to invest in a camel back so that I may have the luxury of cold, delicious water while I am climbing. Now that I know what to expect, I can plan...so I probably won't get the shit beat out of me as much (maybe).
I am going to go ahead and pour that martini now...I have been recently reintroducing my good friends coffee and alcohol back into my life. This past week off of work has been fan-FUCKING-tastic. So fantastic in fact that I am currently toying with the notion of jetting off to Vegas tomorrow since I don't have anything else scheduled until next week. Sort of depends on if I can convince a certain AWESOME PERSON to join me. We'll see how that goes. I may not be the coolest person in the world, and I may not have had the best luck lately...but things are turning around! This is the beginning of a new and improved more awesome me...at least until late August.
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